david berry

Writer • Editor • Designer

Humour

At some point I lay awake in my old apartment, listening to the squirrel try to claw his way through the popcorn ceiling and, fully of my own accord, decided, “You know what? It would be great if I was the one who had to pay to fix this problem.”

At some point I lay awake in my old apartment, listening to the squirrel try to claw his way through the popcorn ceiling and, fully of my own accord, decided, “You know what? It would be great if I was the one who had to pay to fix this problem.”

The Year in Being a Goddamn Homeowner

"My particular future looks like a two-storey semi-detached house that is old enough that someone has definitely died in it—probably from falling plaster, judging by the state of the ceilings. It was purchased on the working assumption that I, too, will one day die in it, which is mildly scary until you remember that I will have free range to do whatever I want with those wall sconces" — The joys of homeownership, for Hazlitt


Magnificent-Son-of-a-Bitch at work

Magnificent-Son-of-a-Bitch at work

Scenes from a newsroom 

Editor: Okay, columnists, something happened four days ago, and it’s already been covered by half the Tweeting world, literally everyone who pays to host a website and most Jazz radio drive-time hosts. So: what are we going to repeat about it?

Extremely Original and Probably Award-Winning Newspaper Columnist: I was thinking, actually — what if we said something new this time?

Editor: (shoes literally blow off his feet, killing an intern two floors below) What did you say?

Take-Charge Columnist: What if we … Said. Something. New.

Editor: (faints, fanned back to life with yesterday’s newspaper) Everyone. Everyone! Just quiet down. Let’s all slow it down here. What did you have in mind, sir?

Quietly Confident Columnist: You know how we’re always talking about “conversations?” Starting them, “engaging” in them, things like that?

Editor: (wary) “Start the conversation” was our branding in between “How are you going to do a crossword On-Line?” and “Fine, we’re digital now,” yes.

— Insights into the process of writing a newspaper column


Why am I being dick about people liking Prince? People should like Prince. I like Prince. Liked. Like. Whatever.

Why am I being dick about people liking Prince? People should like Prince. I like Prince. Liked. Like. Whatever.

How to tweet about the fact Prince just died

"Huh, there sure are a lot of people just tweeting “No” or “What’s the DEAL, 2016?” Oh god someone died, didn’t they?

Oh it’s just Chyna. How in god’s name did I end up tangentially acquainted with so many wrestling fans? Should I care about wrestling? No. No. They’re the ones who are wrong, David. Man, though, a lot of people liked Chyna. “He taught me that being weird could be sexy.” Wow that is a heinous amount of shade for a compliment.

Oh f—k. It’s Prince.

Wait, it’s just TMZ. OK it could just be — no, no, TMZ is the best-resourced news gathering site on the planet. F—k. It’s Prince."

— Celebrity death in the digital age